Being Me and Loving It

I’ve decided that my thirties have taught me more about loving myself and being true to myself than any other age. My mom used to tell me all the time that I didn’t need to wear makeup, that I was beautiful without it. But, I mean...she’s my mom...of course she’s going to tell me that.

If you’ve read my blogs before, you know that I deal with depression, so I won’t get into that here. However, to be honest there were so many times that I didn’t wear makeup and didn’t care what I looked like because the depression had taken complete control of me. I used to cut and color my hair when I wasn’t happy because I felt like it would make me happy. If I looked completely different, then I’d act completely different, right? I thought if I put on some makeup, everyone would think I was okay and then I could pretend I’d be okay and then everything would ACTUALLY be okay. No...that’s not how that works. That’s not how any of this works.

As a thirty something, I’ve found this new self-confidence that I haven’t had before. I still have my moments, but who doesn’t right? I’m overweight and I struggle with that daily, but I’ve figured out that I just need to be true to myself. It’s who I am right now and I have a lot going for me other than worrying about if people think I’m fat or not. The weight will come off, but I have to be happy in order for that to happen.

I have finally stopped chopping my hair off. It’s the longest it’s ever been and I finally have a color that I absolutely love and makes me feel like ME. I’ve started playing with makeup and learning how to do highlighting, contouring, and smokey eyes. I feel gorgeous when I do my makeup. BUT here’s the kicker...I also feel gorgeous when I DON’T do my makeup. In fact, most days at work you’ll see me with my hair in a ponytail and only wearing some mascara - and I’m TOTALLY okay with that. I’m me. I love who I am in this stage of my life.

This new self-confidence thing is amazing. As a full-time student, full-time employee, a daughter, a sister, a dog mom, a friend and so much more…it’s a struggle to wake up and do makeup and hair every day. I like sleep way too much and I don’t get enough of it. It’s an amazing feeling knowing that I feel confident enough in myself to walk out the door either completely made-up, or in sweats and a ball cap with no makeup and still feel the same way.

I hope no one takes this as “wow, she thinks a lot of herself.” That’s not it at all. I just wish everyone felt comfortable enough in their own skin. It took me way too long to figure this out. Be you, figure out what makes you happy. Everything else falls into place.

Knowing Who I Am

I should be writing a draft of a paper that's due by midnight, but instead I'd rather put my feelings out there right now.

I texted my two best friends in the whole world yesterday "You ever have those days where you just feel down?" And with one being 2 hours down the road, and the other one clear across the country, they both knew exactly what to say to make me feel better (they also made me cry because of how much they understood and can relate to me). They get me. I thank God for these two women every day.

They reminded me that it doesn't matter that I'm almost 31 and not married with kids. What I'm doing with my life is amazing and not many people can say that they've done what I'm doing. I remind myself daily that a lot of women I know have not done half the things I've done - bought a house, live and survive without a roommate, know how to mow the grass (it's easier to pay the guy $20 when you're in school and too busy, but I know how to and I've done it - a lot), cook a meal for 1 person (without leftovoers - that's impressive), manage to survive a Masters degree program (while buying a house, living in renovations and raising a puppy) and currently surviving a doctorate program ALL BY MYSELF. Yall, I'm going to be a doctor in 2.5 years.

Some days it's really hard doing life alone, but when I have my two best friends and my amazing family, I realize just how good I have it. I might not have the financial support of a husband or a roommate, but I chose this life and I chose it because it's right for me. When that right person comes along, I'll know it. They'll support my education endeavors and be ok with how much time I spend writing papers. They'll want me to be the best version of me that I can be. And until I find that person, I'm completely ok being alone because I'm surrounded by so many people that love me and support me even though I took some different turns down this road we call life. It took me a long time to get to the point of knowing who I am in this world, and I have my setbacks every now and then, but sometimes I just need that reminder to remember who I am and that I am enough.

So if anyone else reading this feels like they're alone in this world because you took a different path, just know that you're not. There are people that love you unconditionally, and they want you to succeed and be the best version of you that you can be. So just keep doing your thing and KNOW THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Adulting is hard. Adulting with ADD is harder (for me).

Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD). It's real. It's hard. It's frustrating.

I was diagnosed with ADD at 24 years old. I sat through 3-4 hours of testing with a psychiatrist. She made me play with the blocks, memorize numbers, repeat things. The more she made me do, the more frustrated I got.

All I could think was, I'm 24 years old. I've always joked about being ADD, but never really thought I was. I had doctors tell me I wasn't because I made decent grades in college and in high school. I was well behaved. So why now? What changed? My own mother didn't want to hear that I was ADD, I mean how could I be?

Here's how...for 18 years of my life, I danced. Once I got to high school, I danced 6-7 days a week for several hours a day. I burned off all the extra energy I had and I was able to focus because of this. I also had a sense of discipline. In college, I struggled. I pulled all nighters and I cried a lot because college is not the same as high school. I attempted to talk to my doctor because I knew something wasn't right. She made me bring in my books to the office, she flipped through them and told me that I wasn't ADD, I just wasn't studying hard enough. Umm...what? You can tell that by looking at my books? Whatever...

I ended up graduating college (obviously), but I knew something wasn't right. Two years later, I took a job at a very busy surgical office. One morning, I had a breakdown because I could not for the life of me figure out what needed to happen first. This was something I did every day, but this day was hard. I just couldn't figure it out. I was extremely frustrated and in tears as I tried to figure this out. I was sent upstairs to my provider that day for an appointment and a few days later I was seeing the psychiatrist.

After figuring out the medication and which one worked for me, I was prescribed Adderall. No, it's not as glamorous as it sounds.

See, this is how it works, or at least how I explain it to people (I'm not a medical professional, but this is how it was explained to me):

The normal person's brain does 45 mph in a 45 mph zone. Someone with ADD, well, their brain does 75 in a 45 mph zone. Give us Adderall and our brain slows down to the 45 in a 45 zone. Give the normal person Adderall and they speed up to 75 mph.

My brain needs to slow down so that I can focus and function like a "normal" person. Grad school was a completely different experience than undergrad. It's amazing how well I could actually concentrate on a 25 page journal article I needed to read for a project. Through the years, I have found some coping mechanisms and most of the time I can function without my medicine. However, some days I know are going to be more overwhelming, and some days, like today are even more overwhelming than I ever expected and I just about have a break down. Thank goodness I work with people who know how to talk me down and help me figure out what needs to be done. So much was going on in my head today and even though I had EVERYTHING written down in my planner what needed to be done, I couldn't even focus enough to read what needed to be done.

Since starting back to school, my patterns are different, and I'm not used to them yet. I am having to figure this out again, and until I do I'll use my medicine. I don't necessarily like how I feel on it all the time, because it mellows me out. I have friends that have told me that I'm not "me" when I'm on it. Well, I am, I'm just calmer, more focused me.

I don't use ADD as an excuse. I joke about it, but I use it to make me a better person. I use it to relate to my students and tell them not to use it as an excuse, that it's possible to be functional and successful with ADD.

I know some people don't believe in ADD and I've had educated conversations with people about this (love them for the opportunity). Some people believe it's over diagnosed and doctors just write prescriptions for medicine just to calm a kid down - I do believe this.

But after sitting through the testing I went through, I was thankful that my provider actually had me tested. She deserves praise for that. I always thought ADD was ADHD and it was just used to diagnose misbehaved kids. But I'm here to tell you it's not. ADD is not ADHD. It's more than not being able to focus. It's frustrating. It's overwhelming. It's debilitating sometimes. It can make you feel trapped. It's real.

I just needed to put this out there. Today was hard. If you saw me, I put on a brave face this morning, but inside I was screaming for help. It happens some days. Today was one of those days.

You can call me Doctor...in 3 years (hopefully)

"Anyone who is aiming to achieve a degree in which they can be called a "Dr." is a doctoral student. They can be people striving to be a medical doctor, a Ph.D. student, or anyone else who strives to claim the degree of "Doctor of ________. On the other hand, a Ph.D. student is a student who is specifically going for their Doctor of Philosophy. Thus, any PhD student is a doctoral student, but not every doctoral student is a Ph.D. student" (Alvarez, 2015). 

For the one millionth, three hundred thousandth, nine hundred and seventy sixth time - I am NOT getting a Ph.D. I am in school for my Doctorate of Education (Ed.D.) in Educational Leadership. 

Some people say, "But I don't even know what that is. Are you even going to be a doctor?" I get it, a lot of people don't understand how this works, so let me explain. 

An Ed.D. is a professional doctorate degree. Both Ph.D. and professional doctorate degree programs "require a dissertation process that provides an opportunity for advanced research and analysis in your field. And of course, both are going to get you that coveted title of "Dr." (How to decide between a PhD and a professional doctorate, 2014).

The most simple way to explain the difference is: Ph.D. students focus on new research and theories to add new knowledge to their fields. Professional doctorate students use research that already exists and they apply it to their every day work. 

I don't plan on continuing to research and write new theories about educational leadership. There are enough leadership theories out there to make you want to scream (trust me on this - 8 weeks of studying them made me want to cry). I want to take these theories and apply them to my every day life working in higher education. 

So just to be clear - an M.D., a Ph.D, an Ed.D. - they're all doctors, but they are all terminal, doctoral degrees that allow individuals to practice in different ways. No one degree is any better than the other, it's dependent on how the student wants to use their degree.

No, I'm not offended when people say "congrats on working on your Ph.D.," or "so you're in a Ph.D. program?" I just want people to know that there are more than just Ph.D. programs out there. If professional doctorates didn't exist then who would put into practice all the research and theories that the Ph.D.s created? 😉

Alvarez, R. (2015). What is the difference between a doctoral student and a Ph.D. student? Retrieved from https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-difference-between-a-doctoral-student-and-a-Ph-D-student

How to decide between a PhD and a professional doctorate. (2014). Northcentral University. Retrieved from https://www.ncu.edu/blog/how-to-decide-between-a-phd-and-professional-doctorate. 

To the ones who...

Y'all, dating sucks. Like for real. It's a game these days and I don't have time for games. But I've gotten some pretty good laughs out of it for the last few years. At the end of 2013, I had my heart completely broken. I'm talking the kind of broken that it was "broken and then he picked it back up and smashed it again broken." I could have sworn that it was it for me, but honestly I've grown a lot from that and have realized what I want and I won't settle for anything less.

So here's my thoughts on everything...

To the ones who text me at 3 am claiming they miss me or want to know how I'm doing. First of all, I'm asleep. I don't miss you then and I don't miss you ever. I'm not doing well, because I'm pissed off that you just woke me up at 3 am to say "hey." Get out of my inbox with that nonsense. I liked college and had fun staying up late, but I don't have time for that shit now; I'm too old for that. Boy, bye.

To the ones who left because well, your ex...I'm just going to say good luck. You'll need it.

To the ones who told me I wasn't good enough. Something along the lines of "of all the great things about you, you don't measure up..." Good. I didn't need you anyway. No matter how good of a woman I am, I'll never be good enough for a "man" that isn't ready. You have no clue what you just walked out on. You'll figure it out though and it will be too late. Ask the next guy...

To the ones who were a part of my life at one point and aren't anymore. There's a reason for that. Please don't come back around. You should be texting your girlfriend, not me. *eye roll*

To the ones who I wasn't ready for. I'm sorry. I had a lot to figure out about me and I had to take the time to do that. I'm sorry the timing was shitty. But you seem happy now and I'm happy for you.

To the one(s) coming I'm strong and independent. I've been on my own for a while now, so I don't expect tons of attention. Attention is nice, don't get me wrong, but I don't like being smothered. I don't need someone to take care of me, but it would be nice to share this crazy life with. You must like dogs, especially mine. She's a little crazy, but what female isn't?

My daddy has set the bar high and it will be tough to find the one that reaches it, but I'm pretty sure there's a plan. Everything else has worked out and this will too. I'm strong, educated and independent; maybe that's too much for some guys, but for the right guy it'll be perfect. And until I find him, I'm going to keep on doing what I do best and that's loving myself and making myself happy.

Back to Blogging

So it's been a few years since I've done this. Life happens. I think we all get that. So here's what's been going on since the last time I blogged.

• I'm 30...almost 30 something now.
• I became a mom to the cutest dog ever. This is Ellie. She's a 2.5 year old Boston Terrier/Cocker Spaniel mix. I've had her since she was 4 weeks old and she's a hot mess, but I love her. 
  
• I bought a house.
• I earned my Masters in Education.
• I've had so many different hairstyles, I can't keep count.
• I've maintained my relationship status of single.
• I started a new job.
• I started a doctorate program. It's an EdD, not a PhD. Not every doctorate is a freaking PhD. This is another post for another day.
• I started selling Scentsy. It's pretty awesome. Ask me about it sometime. 
• I got a tattoo.
• I added a new piercing.
• And most importantly, I've discovered what makes me happy in life and I don't settle for anything less these days. 

So this new blog - it's about this crazy thing called life. I'm no where near where I thought I'd be at this age. I can definitely imagine things differently, but I'm happy and I'm making what used to just be dreams, realities now. It's a beautiful thing. 

The dating scene - well, these days it's a matter of swiping left or right and apparently it's all a game. I don't really have time for games and I'm really just ready to settle down and give my heart to the RIGHT person. I know what I want and I won't settle. I'm a pretty amazing person (at least that's what my mom tells me) and I will be good enough for the right person. -- More about this later.

As for school - well, I decided to go back and complete my doctorate. You can call me Dr. Devin in 3 years. And no, I'm not super smart, just educated. There's a difference.

In my old blog, I talked a lot about my depression. I have overcome it. However, there are days when I revert back to when that guy would tell me I wasn't good enough and I was worthless, but I know how to manage the depression now. It's something I'll always struggle with, and I'm sure that will come up every now and then. 

So that's that. The last 4 years summed up and nowhere to go from here but up. I won't blog every day...shit, I do good just to remember to eat some days. Sorry, I'm classy, but I cuss a little bit (a lot sometimes). I figure if I'm going to be real here, might as well be the real me. It's nothing I haven't said in front of my mom before.