Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD). It's real. It's hard. It's frustrating.
I was diagnosed with ADD at 24 years old. I sat through 3-4 hours of testing with a psychiatrist. She made me play with the blocks, memorize numbers, repeat things. The more she made me do, the more frustrated I got.
All I could think was, I'm 24 years old. I've always joked about being ADD, but never really thought I was. I had doctors tell me I wasn't because I made decent grades in college and in high school. I was well behaved. So why now? What changed? My own mother didn't want to hear that I was ADD, I mean how could I be?
Here's how...for 18 years of my life, I danced. Once I got to high school, I danced 6-7 days a week for several hours a day. I burned off all the extra energy I had and I was able to focus because of this. I also had a sense of discipline. In college, I struggled. I pulled all nighters and I cried a lot because college is not the same as high school. I attempted to talk to my doctor because I knew something wasn't right. She made me bring in my books to the office, she flipped through them and told me that I wasn't ADD, I just wasn't studying hard enough. Umm...what? You can tell that by looking at my books? Whatever...
I ended up graduating college (obviously), but I knew something wasn't right. Two years later, I took a job at a very busy surgical office. One morning, I had a breakdown because I could not for the life of me figure out what needed to happen first. This was something I did every day, but this day was hard. I just couldn't figure it out. I was extremely frustrated and in tears as I tried to figure this out. I was sent upstairs to my provider that day for an appointment and a few days later I was seeing the psychiatrist.
After figuring out the medication and which one worked for me, I was prescribed Adderall. No, it's not as glamorous as it sounds.
See, this is how it works, or at least how I explain it to people (I'm not a medical professional, but this is how it was explained to me):
The normal person's brain does 45 mph in a 45 mph zone. Someone with ADD, well, their brain does 75 in a 45 mph zone. Give us Adderall and our brain slows down to the 45 in a 45 zone. Give the normal person Adderall and they speed up to 75 mph.
My brain needs to slow down so that I can focus and function like a "normal" person. Grad school was a completely different experience than undergrad. It's amazing how well I could actually concentrate on a 25 page journal article I needed to read for a project. Through the years, I have found some coping mechanisms and most of the time I can function without my medicine. However, some days I know are going to be more overwhelming, and some days, like today are even more overwhelming than I ever expected and I just about have a break down. Thank goodness I work with people who know how to talk me down and help me figure out what needs to be done. So much was going on in my head today and even though I had EVERYTHING written down in my planner what needed to be done, I couldn't even focus enough to read what needed to be done.
Since starting back to school, my patterns are different, and I'm not used to them yet. I am having to figure this out again, and until I do I'll use my medicine. I don't necessarily like how I feel on it all the time, because it mellows me out. I have friends that have told me that I'm not "me" when I'm on it. Well, I am, I'm just calmer, more focused me.
I don't use ADD as an excuse. I joke about it, but I use it to make me a better person. I use it to relate to my students and tell them not to use it as an excuse, that it's possible to be functional and successful with ADD.
I know some people don't believe in ADD and I've had educated conversations with people about this (love them for the opportunity). Some people believe it's over diagnosed and doctors just write prescriptions for medicine just to calm a kid down - I do believe this.
But after sitting through the testing I went through, I was thankful that my provider actually had me tested. She deserves praise for that. I always thought ADD was ADHD and it was just used to diagnose misbehaved kids. But I'm here to tell you it's not. ADD is not ADHD. It's more than not being able to focus. It's frustrating. It's overwhelming. It's debilitating sometimes. It can make you feel trapped. It's real.
I just needed to put this out there. Today was hard. If you saw me, I put on a brave face this morning, but inside I was screaming for help. It happens some days. Today was one of those days.
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